The Abyss

Go Ahead, Gaze Into It

“The Abyss” from Deschutes Brewery is a superior stout, specifically a Russian Imperial Stout. Imperial stouts have quickly become one of my favorite types of beer. Why is that? Because I have always loved stout's dark color and rich, bitter flavor, but traditional stout suffers from two disadvantages.

It's a little bit heavy for drinking more than a single pint of it, and for all that it isn't very alcoholic. The result is that you can't get much of a buzz from it without filling yourself up till you feel like the Hindenberg.

 

Imperial stout, on the other hand, is simultaneously less heavy and more alcoholic- way more alcoholic, at 10-11%. Yet it still has the same dark color and flavor. So you get all the benefits of a stout and a malt liquor in one. (I can't believe I just typed that..)

 

“The Abyss” was obviously made with a great deal of love and attention. It's got layers and layers of subtle flavor, including just a small hint of molasses (don't worry, it really is just a hint).

 

My only quarrel with it is the price. A bottle of Lagunitas imperial stout is only five dollars, but a bottle of the Abyss is about ten. The Abyss is a bit superior, but is it really twice as good? If it isn't literally twice as good, then why am I paying twice as much for it? I'm not complaining about the beer itself, which is superb. I just think they ought to bring that price down a little if they can.

 

Oh, and I learned about this one from the folks at St Anthony Liquors in St Anthony, Minnesota- thanks guys, you steered me right!

Celebration Ale

Not My Cup Of Hops

Last week, my wife wanted me to pick up a six-pack of one of her favorite beers, “Celebration Ale” by Sierra Nevada Brewing Company. I felt a certain trepidation as soon as she mentioned it, because I don't normally like most American microbrews. Some of them- like the Lagunitas stout I wrote about recently- are as good as any British or Belgian beer. Most of them, though, are just far too hoppy.

This is a characteristic of American microbrews I just don't understand. The art of brewing a great beer is supposed to be in the balance, the perfect mix of the perfect ingredients. Of course, you can turn one of those ingredients up a notch for a distinctive taste, but it's a matter of tweaking the recipe, not piling on one of the ingredients until the beer is drowned in it.

 

The problem with American microbrews is that they all seem to want to be “intense,” which the brewers apparently interpret as meaning “as hoppy as possible.” Unfortunately, Celebration Ale is no exception. It's intensely hoppy, which in a certain way is not a valid criticism because it was obviously intentional. It also has a very strong flavor the company describes as “citrus,” but what it actually tastes like is orange peel. If you want to get a sense of the flavor of this beer, imagine orange peel combined with hops. If you like that combo- and my wife thinks I'm way off base on this one, so you'll be in good company- then you'll like this beer. If you agree with me and think that balance is the secret to great beer, you'll pass it up.

 

 

Woodchuck Granny Smith Cider

Plus a Pedantic Digression

I've always loved the tart flavor of Granny Smith apples, so when I noticed that Woodchuck hard cider came in a Granny Smith variety, I grabbed it up. But more on that in a moment. First I'd like to talk about that misleading term “hard cider,” as distinguished (only in America) from “soft cider.”

 

About two weeks ago, I bought a bottle of “all natural” apple juice. It was dark in color and thick in texture, and it tasted much different from what I normally think of as apple juice. In fact, it tasted exactly like what I've always been told was “soft apple cider.”

So I looked it up. As it turns out, there is only one kind of apple cider- hard cider, which is an alcoholic beverage. Soft cider is nothing more or less than apple juice. That's just what real apple juice tastes like.

 

So what about the almost-clear, sugary stuff that gets sold as “apple juice” in every supermarket? It's fake, heavily-processed pseudo-juice. Real apple juice is, and always has been “soft cider.”

 

So hard cider is the only real cider. Fair enough. But what about this particular hard cider? It lives up to its billing, with the tart, crisp refreshing taste of a Granny Smith apple. The alcohol content is only about five percent, so if you have a high tolerance like me, it's more of a refreshing beverage than a hard drink. Not that you should drive after drinking it, but it's more like a really tasty apple juice (soft cider?) than a true hard cider. I liked it.

 

 

 

Bar Trivia Nights

The best night of the week.

I really like trivia nights at local bars. There’s something about drinking beer and answering questions that gives you a perfect combination of drunk invincibility, brashness and an excuse for why you missed ten questions in a row that you probably should know. It also makes you feel smart, maybe, and usually you can win some stuff. Plus, your faith in humanity is restored because there’s a whole legion of people who would rather answer esoteric questions about defunct NBA teams, rather than putting on beer goggles and trying out lame pick-up lines.

I’ve gone to trivia at several different bars, and there are distinct types of people who attend. There are the smart, nerdy people—probably law or PhD students at local universities—who arrive with packs and in button-downs, thinking that their knowledge of obscure governmental amendments will be useful sometime in the night. There are the table of two quiet guys who communicate only with the pencil on the answer sheet who end up winning the whole thing.

Then, there’s the group of co-workers, who I’ve decided typically work in IT, who ask the moderator to repeat the question and/or the answer choices several time during the contest. There’s the parents there double-dating with their son or daughter and his or her spouse. There are the people who really just came for a couple of drinks, but decided to get into the game because they ordered more gin and tonics than they’d planned and want to get their bar tab taken care of. There's the single guy who's lost.

You go. You’ll see what I mean.

I don’t write this list to make fun of trivia nerds. I’m not poking fun at them; they are my people. They are the kind of people who recognize that a good reward for a day’s work is a beer. They are the people who probably want to have a serious conversation when they’re seriously sloshed, rather than watch inane YouTube videos until they pass out on the coach (if they haven’t mastered the art of doing both). They like knowing random facts, and they don’t think stuff is only worth knowing if they can apply it to a current or future career.

Overall, there’s something nice about being around a bunch of people who like to answer—sometimes really hard!—questions while getting drunk. It gives me faith that alcohol doesn’t always equal losing.

Do you like trivia? Why do you do it?

Broke Ass Wine

If It Ain't Broke... But Then, It Is

I just had a few glasses of Broke Ass wine with my Thanksgiving dinner, and a few more the day after. The whole idea of Broke Ass is that it's supposed to be a good wine at a bargain price. I suppose it is actually worth the price- about $4.00- but it didn't impress me.

 

Now, I'm the furthest thing from a wine snob. I used to drink Wild Irish Rose on a regular basis, and I've even been known to drink Mad Dog 20/20- not that would I ever do either of those things again. So I don't think anyone could say that my standards are just too high here. I know how to enjoy a good cheeseburger just as much as a filet mignon, and I know how to enjoy a bargain wine in its context.

But Broke Ass tasted sour and acidic, and it had no personality. It was just a vinegary bottle of cheap wine, and if I want one of those I can spend a dollar extra and get a liter and a half. Are you going to feel cheated for spending four dollars on this? No. How could you, really?

 

But if you want a bottle of wine that actually tastes good for very little money, Broke Ass is not the one I'd recommend. I'd stick with the Two Buck Chuck instead, aka Charles Shaw wine from Trader Joe's, which you can get for $2.59. I'd only go with the Broke Ass if you were down to your last four bucks and nowhere near a Trader Joe's.

 

Lagunitas Imperial Stout

The Name Is So-So, The Stout Is Good

Lately, I've been developing a real taste for a good beer with a not-so-great name- Lagunitas Imperial Stout. Why do I think the name is not so great? Because this is supposed to be an example of an “Imperial Russian” style of stout, which historically would have been a British beer made for export to Russia, and the name is evocative of neither Britain nor Russia.

Setting aside this minor quibble, it's a delicious take on stout, goes great with a few squares of nice dark chocolate, isn't as thick as normal stout because it's more alcoholic, and (did I mention this already?) is more alcoholic than normal stout. Plus- and here's the real kicker- it retails for about five bucks per very large bottle, whereas most specialty beers of about the same size go for between eight and twelve.

 

So, you can enjoy a luxurious snack of dark chocolate, down a pint and then some of black beer goodness, and get a nice buzz on in the process, without spending so much that you feel like an idiot. That hits all of my bullet points for a dark beer in one fell swoop, which is why I am willing to overlook the Un-Russian name. Also, there is a little paragraph on the label that makes a veiled reference to Rasputin before ranting on in a vaguely pretentious way about Russian history during the era in which Imperial Stout became famous in the first place. The Rasputin thing increases the Russian-ness of the beer, but the pretension does not, so it about evens out. In the end, it doesn't matter. It's just a hell of a beer.

 

Two Buck Chuck

Charles Shaw Wine From Trader Joe's

 

Trader Joe's “Charles Shaw” family of wines, fondly known as “Two Buck Chuck,” probably represents the best value in wine in the United States. If you pay anything less than ten dollars for wine you can usually expect to get something that tastes like alcoholic vinegar, but you can sometimes pay four or five times that much and still be disappointed.

As of this writing, a bottle of Two Buck Chuck retails for $2.59, but it honestly tastes better than most twenty-dollar bottles I've ever tasted. I'm not saying a true wine connoisseur would be likely to appreciate it, but considering how hit-or-miss wine can be at almost any price point, Two Buck Chuck is almost a miracle. No vinegar sourness, no sickly sweetness, no weird aftertaste- but it's not just a case of avoiding the negatives. The stuff actually tastes good, and keeps tasting good no matter how many glasses of it you drink- believe me, I know!

 

I've seen people come into Trader Joe's without a shopping list and walk out with boxes of Two Buck Chuck, stocking up for a party perhaps- or just a long, long weekend! They offer all of the standard varieties, but my personal favorite is the Shiraz, probably just because I'm a fan of the more challenging flavors when it comes to almost anything. Whether you're into Shiraz or not, you can't possibly do better than Two Buck Chuck without actually stealing bottles of wine- and maybe not even then.

Old Rasputin

Russian Imperial Stout

When I first opened a bottle of Old Rasputin, the term “Imperial Russian stout” was a new one on me. Since when did the Russians make stout, after all? It turns out that they didn't make it, but they did drink it.

 

When Catherine II was the empress of Russia, a London brewery called Thrale's specialized in brewing an especially alcoholic stout for export to the Russian imperial court. Thrale's was later taken over by Courage, becoming “Courage Imperial Russian Stout.”

 

Old Rasputin has no direct connection to either of these historic stouts, but it is a very dark stout with a lot of alcohol in it- 9% alcohol by volume, to be precise- so it can claim to be “in the style of” the old Russian Imperial stouts. It's an unusually strong-tasting interpretation of stout, so if you love that dark, bitter taste so much that even Guinness no longer satisfies you, then Old Rasputin might just be the crazy Russian prophet for you.

 

Most microbrew stouts range from “disappointing” to “repulsive,” but Old Rasputin is an exception. It has a lot of flavor and character, it's nice and thick, and it has much more of a kick to it than a pint of Guinness. Another factor to consider is that most pubs pour Guinness incorrectly, resulting in an almost bland flavor, so a good glass of Old Rasputin may well be more satisfying than a poor glass of Guinness, even if you're a diehard Guinness loyalist.

Newcastle Werewolf

The (Sometimes) Blood Red Beer

As a general rule, I'm not a fan of gimmicky marketing when it comes to alcoholic drinks of any kind. Wines or beers with catchy names are almost never very impressive when it comes to the actual flavor. Newcastle Brown Ale, on the other hand (or “Nookie Broon” as it was first described to me) is a beer I've been drinking for a number of years, and I trust the Newcastle and Caledonian Breweries to deliver the goods. So it was with a mix of anxiety and anticipation that I picked up a six-pack of “Newcastle Werewolf,” one of their four new seasonal beers.

 

The label shows a picture of a legendary werewolf creature of the Newcastle moors, and the beer itself is supposed to be “blood red.” When you pour it out in a pint glass it is definitely a dark brown or copper color, and I've seen some reviews commenting on the lack of redness. I was a little disappointed in this myself- if I take a gamble on a gimmick, I expect the gimmick to at least pay off!- so I held the glass up to the light at various different angles while slowly rotating it.

I am pleased to be able to confirm that if you hold the glass at exactly the right angle in exactly the right light, it does indeed look blood red. So much for that. The much more important question is, how does it taste?

 

Despite my suspicious attitude to marketing gimmicks such as occasionally blood red, Halloweeny beers, I found it quite pleasant and drinkable. I'm not one of those connoisseurs who can go into rhapsodic detail over every little flavor nuance in a beer, but I would describe Newcastle Werewolf as a dark ale with some of the qualities of a porter, a lot of character, and a bit of a kick. I would drink it again.

 

Quotations: Writers on Alcohol

Is it beer before liquor never sicker or the other way around? Anyway, here are some other quotes about drinking.

I’ve recently been writing some of my favorite quotations from different writers on the difficult art of writing. In the course of doing my research, I have to admit that I did imbibe a beer or two; and in so doing, I came across some fantastic quotes from a variety of sources on the extremely delicate art of drinking alcohol. Not surprisingly, writers (and others) love to speak eloquently about alcohol, almost as if alcohol is a lovely woman that should be admired or hated as the case may be. 

 

Here are some of my favorite quotes on drinking (or not drinking) a variety of forms of alcohol. Some of the quotations are from writers, celebrities, and other people you may be aware of, but a few of the quotations about alcohol are from more obscure folks. 

 

An Irish queer: a fellow who prefers women to drink. --Sean O’Faolain

I like liquor--its tastes and effects--and that is why I never drink it. --Thomas (Stonewall) Jackson

Nothing ever tasted better than a cold beer on a sunny afternoon with nothing to look forward to but more of the same. --Hugh Hood

I’ve never been drunk, but I’ve often been over served. --George Gobel

The whole world is about three drinks behind.--Humphrey Bogart

He is, like many other geniuses, a greater friend to the bottle than the bottle is to him. --William Lyon McKenzie

I am only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller. --George Bernard Shaw

He who drinks a little too much drinks much too much. --old saying

Alcohol is the cause and solution to many of life’s problems. --Dan Castellaneta (Homer Simpson)

I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me. --Winston Churchill

Alcohol may be men’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy. --Frank Sinatra

Alcohol may be a good preservative for everything but brains.--Mary Pettibone Poole

If you need an excuse for why you don't drink alcohol, you could say that addiction runs in your family and you don't want to try it even once because you may not stop until you are dead in a puddle of your own vomit or smashed into the side of a mini-van with children's body parts scattered around your corpse. --Dwayne Alan Hahn

It only takes one drink to get me drunk. --The only trouble is I can’t tell if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. --George F. Burns

 

What are your favorite quotes about alcohol?

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